my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
