I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
