Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
