It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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