Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
