whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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