A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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