I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
