just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
