If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just high enough for therapy.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
