You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
