the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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