coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
