Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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