Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
