he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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