I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
