Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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