Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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