he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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