I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
