then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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