Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
