wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
