Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
