the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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