just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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