Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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