God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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