Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
