just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
