i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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