Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
