im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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