Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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