Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
