Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
