My sheets look like a crime scene.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
