On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
