I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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