in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize