Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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