I hate your face
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
