Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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