rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
