kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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