I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize