You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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