my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize