Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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