take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
