I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
