I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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