Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
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