His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
