Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
