You smell like a Billy Joel song
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
