Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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