i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
