The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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