...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
