I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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