This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize