Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
