Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
